Another year end..

With the moon still shining
In the perfect clear sky,
Yet another year
Bids farewell to all ye here.

With hours left for the beginning of the new year, I withdrew to myself (as best as i could), in the quiet of my room (with my brother interrupting the peace now and then), and thought about the past one year. Looking back, the few resolutions that I did take at the beginning of this year is somewhat justified today. Resolutions are generally not my thing (as I like to keep all options open) but it's nice to have an idea of what you want to stick on to in the coming year. Looking at it from that angle, 2010 could be the year to make some changes around here.

2009 turned out to be pretty okay. There were a few ups and downs, but mostly it was the middles. I don't feel like time has run off and we've reached the year end in the blink of an eye. Yes, it did drag quite a bit. Mostly around the months of August and September all those 24 hours, in each of those 61 days, went without missing a single stroke of the clock. Then, of course, there were those fast months like May and November and maybe a week or two from October and December combined. College side of the year was kinda fun - mainly s5. s4 dragged too much. That took away the essence of the semester totally. The tournaments, meetings, conferences, and the tech fests were all the best parts of the year. Tried some new stuff this year. Even though I was pushed into it, I had fun and totally rocked.

Hoping all the very best for 2010 and wishing the same for each and every one of you.

God Bless. Happy New Year :)

Cross roads...????

Lying down, thinking
Of what this life holds for her
Visions of their good times,
Enveloped her in warmth;

Mischief twinkled in her eyes, and
Excitement flowed through her veins.

Wandering to the depths of her world
Intrigued by her own thoughts,
To conquer the desires of her heart-
Heavens above, strengthen her!

Patience demands her attention
Alas, she has no care
So long has been her wait,
So deep has been her pain.
Inspired, I stand alongside her, to
Overcome all the hurdles, and
Near our independent destiny.

W-E-I-R-D

Why is it that sometimes you know you're totally in your element, but you can't feel it? The last couple of weeks have been sort of like this. One moment, I knew what I felt, the next I was lost. Although this shouldn't strike me as new, I feel quite disconnected. And it doesn't keep me at ease either. I'm not even sure if what I'm blogging right now has a flow or not. Sort of like my system just hung up. Crashed? Am I me anymore? Friends would say yes. They would pat me on the back on say "Mary!! You've always been like this! Maybe it just struck you now." In which case I wonder, who was I all these years. A lot of thoughts are swimming around in my head now. This reminds me of something a friend said long long back..During one of my lost-in-thoughts moment, he had seemingly asked me something and I obviously didn't answer. That day was the first time someone told me to be careful of the thoughts that go around inside the head. I remember the scene, the setting, his voice, what I wore, my expression so clearly as though it happened just now. Funny things have been happening lately. I feel something and then I don't and then I feel completely blank and then it keeps going on to something else. I guess I wasn't the only one wandering around during the last couple of weeks..my mind has been doing a bit of travelling of its own.
I still don't feel as though any of this makes sense..and moreover its almost like repeating the idea throughout..Maybe I'll blog later when I'm in the mood.

:

The feeling of definiteness..

Being a generally don't-carish person, I never really followed an organised, routine, well defined life style. To me, it was like being the most boring person in the world. I believed more in the spontaneity and the thrills of the moment. My years in this place, however boring and irritating as it was (and remains to be), has helped me find a new angle in myself. Being surrounded by totally narrow-minded and in-the-box people, has made me feel so lucky as to have felt what its like living outside the box. But nowadays, I wonder if the influence is getting on to me. Three years in one place is good enough time to affect any one's life. I think maybe now I am more of a border person. Is that a good thing? I have no idea. But it could be the balance that might help me survive here. Every situation in nature requires a balance, an equilibrium, I might say, if I were to prefer technical terms.

I owe it to a few people over here and all of my friends from school days that still help me maintain my out-of-the box self, while the majority of the remainder here, forces me to restrict my thoughts and totally wacky, crazy, insane, wild behaviour and style. This balance, I must say, is a different experience. And not many people can stay in this balance. Most people I've seen, including people I've known all my life, either just go on with the system here (which really bothers me) or just find it totally hard to adapt (I totally understand what they've been through). The friends from here who've helped, they are truly wonderful. To have been living in this atmosphere for all their life and being able to see out-of-the-box, that's amazing. Well, it might not be the impossible, nothing really is anymore, is it? In this century where we've brought everything to our fingertips, anything is possible. But in either case, hats off to them for being the way they are.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is despite the shortcoming of this place and its people, and also the fact that I was a totally impossible character, I want to thank all of you for helping me see the line of definiteness in my life. But since its me, obviously that line would never be a straight one, lol. Its not crooked either, though. Its more of a curve, I guess. Anyway, that's my life and I love you guys for being you!

Cheers,
Maryann..
:D

It hurts,
To see everything
Yet not feel it.
It kills,
To know that I can
Yet be restricted.
The struggle is hard,
Yet so easy.
I want to remain calm,
Yet scream out loud.

Is the world conspiring?
Am I losing out?
But no, I know this for sure
I’m not crazy
My reality is just different:
“The skies are blue
The birds sing sweetly
Friends all around-close and dear
Living the life on my own
Being independent”

It is a warm feeling,
To know you can and be there
To reach out and feel what want to
To wish for and make it happen.
I promise myself this,
I will get there
One day, for sure;
To live the life I dreamt.

The Independence Day

Step outside and look around you today. Do you see little Indian flags all around the place? Do you see decorations in the colours of our national flag? Do you see people talking of the great freedom fighters? Do you see documentaries of India's great fight for freedom? Do you see people celebrating their country's freedom? Do you see politicians honouring the people who led India through her struggle? Do you hear them talking of the great deeds that were done and how we must strive hard to work our way through all trying and tough times? And all this only on August 15? What happens to all these emotions after the stroke of midnight on the August 15? Do they just disappear? Does it suddenly die inside the people?

I am reminded of excerpt from the book "India Past & Present" by Prakash Chander.

Early in 1947, Mahatma Gandhi met Lord Bevin, the personal emissary of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, in Delhi. Bevin is reported to have told the great man, '18 languages, 500 dialects, some 30 religions, a million Gods and Goddesses, 300 million individuals, an infinity of castes and sub castes and population (that is) practically illiterate and half of which are beggars or thieves...Good luck, sir! Such a nation is ungovernable! It'd take you centuries to get anywhere!'. Gandhiji wrapped his large, white shawl a little more closely around him, and modestly replied, 'India has an eternity before her..'

It may definitely not be an eternity since then but 62 long years have passed. Where does India lie today? What is the attitude of the Indians today? Back in 1947, when India did attain her freedom from tyrannous British Raj, the entire country stood together as one and rejoiced and basked in all its rich diverse glory. If all this was attained under the leadership of one simple and generous man, the Mahatma, who is still revered in our hearts, how is it that still more than half of our population does not abide by the principles set forth by him. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't it like throwing dirt on the person when we say that we respect and honour him and not follow/at least try to follow his example? Even while reaching out to people using documentaries and movies, are those feeling being practised in everyday life? All this colour and euphoria on this particular day alone is not going to get India to reach heights. The feeling of independence and the love for our country should be felt through every second of every single day. The want for our country to reach the top and to maintain its position there, we must all join hands together. We are still clinging on to the fact that India has developed a lot since her freedom. But is that enough? Aren't we, as the current generation, responsible for its further development? India may have been the fastest developing country since 1947, but she still hasn't joined the list of developed countries. With the current potential of our country's youth, and a change in the attitudes of the general population of Indians all over, India can definitely leave her mark forever.

I end this note hoping that each of us will come together and encourage one another to help in the progress of our country in the international level. Let this emotion that we share on every Independence day be with us through everyday so that the tricolour flag of our nation will fly high forever and ever more...

Reminiscing...

Kathleen had a lot going on in her mind. In a couple of months she would end her teen years. It would finally be a past phase. She thought back to the eve of her 13th birthday. The little child inside of her had fancied it to be something huge. Thirteen. The start of teenage life. The years of great excitement and fun. She had laid awake well past into midnight thinking of all the wonderful things that would happen. In her mind she drew up colourful images of what her life would be. She felt it was an important phase of her life. She imagined of all the new friends, new grades, new places, new attitudes and new changes that would happen. Finally after she fell asleep, she dreamt dreams that were far too pleasant. It was to be the start of the most perfect and important phase of her life. During this new year, she was excited at the slightest of changes that took place. She twittered and fluttered around like a little butterfly. After the initial excitement died away, she came to realise that being a teenager was no fairy-tale like experience. It had its thrills and disappointments. It was just another year in your life where you could learn new things and mould yourself to being a responsible and caring adult. During these years, she learned a lot about trust, love and friendship. Apart from her academics, she was also active in the sports field and other extra curricular activities.

Now, looking back, she realised that every single person that she had come across had taught her a valuable lesson however small it maybe. During these last few months of her teenage, she realised that these years were the years that actually developed the person inside of you. Till the age of 10 or 11, most things we do are because of our inquistive nature and curiosity of the unfamiliar surroundings. By the age of 13, we come around to understanding most things around us. By 17, we "think" we are completely ready to handle life on our own and finally when we turn 19 years old, we realise and understand what those advices we received actually meant. This is when it dawns upon us that we have matured into grown ups. Kathleen felt she was treading her feet along this path now. Although her teen years didn't turn out exactly as she had imagined it to be, she knows she has come a long way from being that wishful little child on the bed of her thirteenth birthday.

And as the "twenties" call out to her, she keeps reflecting on her life so far...

Dreams..

A very dear friend once told me,

"Keep your dreams in your pocket not your head...so you can take it out when the time appears.."